Monday, August 1, 2011

7 Ways to Tell If You’re Dating a Zombie

I don’t know how many times this has happened to me.  I’m standing in line at the grocery store, I see a cute lady in front of me, I chat her up, get her number and all that, and later at dinner?  I realize she’s a zombie.  It never fails.

Luckily, I’m happily married now, so these trials and tribulations of the dating world are long behind me, but I hear that there are many, many people out there who are not married.  While this strikes me as a little ridiculous—what are you waiting for?  An invitation?—I want to ensure that my happy, single readers out there can keep themselves, and their brains, safe.  Without further ado, here are 7 ways to tell if you’re dating a zombie.

1.  Terrible skin

The first thing that any self-respecting man or woman notices about someone they’re interested in is their skin.  It’s true.  Little known fact:  Most of your body is covered in skin.  It’s said to be the body’s largest organ.  If that person has a face, you probably noticed their skin. 

While it’s not necessary to put yourself through the demeaning, time consuming rituals that beauty product commercials demonstrate, taking a little care of yourself can go a long way.  People with poor skin are often judged more harshly than those with skin that glows like a baby’s freshly powdered tuckus.  Some places recommend lotioning your face after a shower to prevent dryness, or using some sort of cleanser if you have oily skin.  If you have to be bound to these sorts of things, then so does your partner.   

Take a good look at your partner’s skin.  If it’s not supple and soft, there’s a good chance you’re looking at a zombie.

[Incidentally, if the person has bad skin but is not one of the shambling undead, then there is an equally good chance that they are a special sub-species of human known as a “nerd.”  They should be avoided as well, because they are rounded up every year or so and shipped off to England where Willy Wonka grinds them up and makes candy out of them.]

2.  No Pride in Their Appearance

Say that you’re checking out a hunky chunk of man at your local movie rental place.  You’ve been subtly following him around, sneaking quick peaks at him from behind movie shelves, and you like what you see.  Square jaw, broad shoulders, and pretty decent skin.  Well, hold your horses before you start picking out wedding dresses!  First, take a look at his wardrobe.

A person who’s worth your time will take pride in their appearance.  Everybody knows that first impressions are incredibly hard to overcome.  The old adage “dress for success” is as true here as ever.  Does your prospective hunk have stains on his jacket and/or shirt?  Make sure to pay special attention to the collar.  Are they red stains?  Could they, possibly, be blood stains?  If that’s true, then you just might be checking out a zombie.

3.  Lack of Coordination

As we all know, keeping fit is a part of getting older.  There are thousands of man hours and billions of dollars spent on advertising the next great exercise or diet or food supplement.  Well, talk to any doctor and he or she will tell you it’s much more imperative that you simply exercise.  A great way for couples to stay in shape is to do that exercise together.

When thinking about yourself and your partner, remember that you don’t have to necessarily be John Elway.  Just remember that coordination is key.  Zombies are notorious for their lack of coordination.  There’s a reason that we don’t have a nationally recognized zombie sports team, despite political pressure from the fringe lunatics. 

Remember:  If your partner refuses to exercise with you because of a lack of coordination, you may be dating a zombie.

4.  Poor Diet

If there is one thing that is incredibly straining on a relationship, it’s when your partner isn’t understanding of your needs.  This can be especially true when involving food.  I don’t know how many times I’ve decided to start eating healthier, only to see my wife make a fried bacon, donut, and ice cream sandwich.  It’s so frustrating to see temptations like those when you’re trying to watch your figure.

Zombies also entail in a very poor diet.  When mixed with their lack of physical activity—which stems from their lack of coordination (see above)—then you have a recipe for disaster.

A zombie’s food of choice is what they would call “brain food.”  If your partner is only interested in eating brains, then there is a good chance you’re dating a zombie.

5.  Insufficient Vocabulary

Another key to a successful and happy relationship is communication.  Inability to communicate results in conflicts: from wars, to break ups, to school bullying.

I’m sure the gentlemen will back me up when they say that the one thing we do not like is a woman that dumbs herself down in order to avoid making her boyfriend feel inferior.  Girls don’t have to act stupid to get a guy’s attention.  I’m sure we can all agree that the ability to have those special philosophical conversations about random crap is one of the best things about having someone that can’t just up and dump you because you find philosophical meaning in Cheez Whiz.

Unfortunately, zombies are not known for their intellectual prowess or mastery of the English language.  If you are dating someone and a special comes on the History Channel about the wonders of the universe and your partner’s only communication on the subject is “UUuuuuuuuuuggghhhh,” or more likely, “Braaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiins,” then you might be dating a zombie.

 6.  Lifelessness

Another thing to watch out for in relationships is things getting stale.  To an extent, when you get married, you should expect a bit of cooling as you two mature and take on more responsibilities toward not only each other, but toward your joint lives. This, however, should not lead to boredom.  Sometimes you just need to get out of the house, go see a movie, go out to dinner—something to remind you of why you got together.

Zombies, unfortunately, are not known for their liveliness.  Not only are they not terribly mobile, but they’re also not terribly alive.  Without that spark of life to fuel them, they’re not terribly motivated by much more than food.

Talk to your partner.  Try to take once a week (or every other week) to do something special.  If your partner isn’t interested, isn’t motivated, and just generally wants to sit and snack on a big ol’ heaping plate of brains, then you may be dating a zombie.

7.  Interest in Your Friends as More than Just Friends

This is the biggie, the doosie, the one that will let you know if your relationship is meant to be.  At no point in your relationship should your partner be flirting with or showing interest in your friends beyond simply friendship.  If it seems like their eyes are wandering, it might be time to cut them lose and let them wander away from you.

Zombies have horrible commitment issues.  They’re usually only with someone for their body—specifically for their brains.  But if you have one with you, they’re not satisfied with just your brains.  They want your friends’ brains, and their friends’ brains, too.  You do not need this kind of drama.  If your partner is showing as much interest in your friends as in you, then you need to end this now, because you may be dating a zombie.

 What If I Am?

A lot of you may be asking, “What if I am dating a zombie?” 

I’ve received a lot of hate for my anti-zombie stance.  Some of the fringe has even made movies about zombie acceptance—see 2006’s Fido for a particularly disturbing example.  I also cannot tell you what to do or how to feel. 

Perhaps you feel you can train your zombie to be faithful to you and only to you.  Perhaps you can even accept their quirks in appetite and generally messy appearance.  Fine.  However, I will caution you to tread carefully.  One day you could wake up and realize that you’ve become a zombie, too.


  1. OMG!! You just made me realize something! No, I'm not dating a zombie, but my grandmother used to cook brains and eggs for breakfast! And she dressed in these old, tattered cardigans and dresses from the 30s. Plus, she shuffled across the floor!

    My grandma was a zombie!

    (Love your pics!_

  2. I know! I've always suspected at least one of my grandparents. You can never be sure. I've seen the way my mom moves first thing in the morning. Who's to say she isn't one of the lumbering legions of the dead??

    And thanks, that means a lot!

  3. LOL Love this post and the pics!I had to cut one or two loose back in my dating days. It's definitely the "ughhhhhh" that gives them away. When they pretend to sniff your hair, you know it's really your brains they're after...jerks;)

  4. It's a good thing you catch them when you do! If they get close enough to sniff your hair, it's almost too late!

    And thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D


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