Wednesday, June 20, 2012

4 Unlikely Superhero Movies

It’s a great time to be a superhero.  2011 saw that the onslaught of comic-book-based movies continues to be a fertile investment with such blockbusters as Thor, X-Men: First Class, and Captain America, along with other...lesser comic book movies like Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, Cowboys & Aliens, and Conan the Barbarian.  This year doesn’t really appear to be any different with The Avengers kicking some serious ass in the box office, as well as the release of Men in Black 3, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, and the promise of more costumed antics to come with movies like The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spider-man looming on the horizon.  

We’ve seen superheroes that can fly, that have super strength, that can shoot lasers out of their eyes, shoot web from their wrists (sort of), and even superheroes that are technically gods.  But one thing that never gets any attention are the superheroes with lesser abilities (unless you count poor, ridiculous Aquaman).  I decided to come up with some mock-up movie posters for movies you will probably not see soon in a theater near you.  Without further ado:
4 Unlikely Superhero Movies

1.  Low Charge


In the tradition of such electricity based superheroes like Thor, Static Shock, and Storm, I bring you Low Charge.  Once a regular shmoe working as a simple retailer in a big brand cellphone outlet store, Low Charge was struck by a freak bolt of lightning while checking the cellphone stock inventory.  Now he is equipped with the incredible power to significantly extend the battery life of your electronic mobile device.  IPod giving out while you’re at the gym?  Give a shout out to Low Charge!  Is your Kindle Fire giving out while you’re waiting at the doctor’s office?  Low Charge!  Is your Droid giving out just before you’ve beaten your best Angry Birds score?  Low Charge!

Unfortunately, just like all superheroes, Low Charge has a weakness.  While he can wear mixed fiber fabrics, he has to avoid wool at all costs.  The static build up between his electric personality and the itchy sweater is enough to cause him unthinkably bad hair.  This is also why he keeps his hair cropped so short.  It saves him trouble on humid days.

2.  The Tokenater


One issue that Hollywood has a hard time overcoming is their inability to cast anyone other than white dudes in movies.  Even the famously feminist Joss Whedon had only one solid female character in The Avengers. The rest were all white dudes.  And who can forget X-Men: First Class [SPOILER ALERTS] in which the cast was largely white, and while the female quotient was better, of the only two minority characters, one died and the other became a bad guy...er...girl. [/SPOILER ALERTS].

The Tokenater is here to help.  Got a team of superheroes that’s all male?  The Tokenater will become the token female character to help the team seem well rounded and representative.  Got a team that has a good mix of guys and girls but they’re all white?  The Tokenater will become your Token Black Guy to help round out the mix.

The Tokenater came to be one day when a virus went running rampant through Hollywood’s screenwriters’ computers.  Many famous and/or upcoming movie scripts were infected.  This virus continued to gather data until it was finally downloaded onto a flashdrive and thrown into a garbage chute.  That garbage chute was filled with old movie films and leftover modeling clay.  The Tokenater came to be independently, stepping out of the burning wreckage.  He was literally born by fire.

Unfortunately, The Tokenater has no superpowers beyond the ability to shapeshift.  The base form of the Tokenater is neither male nor female, but simply a gray-ish person-shaped entity.  This helps The Tokenater avoid identity issues, but also makes pronoun use very difficult.

3.  Air Freshener


How many times have you been an work in your cubicle, or standing in line at the coffee shop, or wedged into a crowded elevator, and you just really have to fart?  You could go ahead.  There’s always the chance it’ll be one of those rare silent and unscented varities, but honestly, what are the odds of that?  And so you spend your time uncomfortable and crampy, desperately willing the time to pass quickly so that you can reach some privacy and sweet, sweet relief?

Air Freshener, formerly Janice Harrison, knew exactly that pain.  She was a powerful businesswoman working for a cleaning products company in New York.  She oversaw the safe and environmentally friendly disposal of the various chemical and toxins they used to produce their cleaning products.  Being a woman in the business industry is tough, and tougher when on considers this horrible truth--according to modern culture, women simply do not fart.  For guys it’s a gross and funny expectancy, but for a lady?  Tisk tisk!

One night, while doing a routine onsite inspection, a freak collapse caused her to become coated in the dangerous chemicals.  Through some miracle, however, instead of being killed, she gained a mystical power:  whenever Air Freshener passes gas, her emissions do not stink.  In fact, they smell incredibly pleasant to anyone within range.  The smell is different for every person, seemingly reflecting whatever scent they find the most enjoyable, like a gassy litmus for the nose.

There is one catch for Air Freshener’s powers: while everyone else can benefit, she cannot.  To her, her flatulence smells incredibly putrid and instantly nauseating.  This causes her to use her powers only in the direst of emergencies.

4.  Master Debater


Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve just had an argument, and the other person won?  Walter Carothers had.  He was Chicago’s worst lawyer, with a terrible win/loss record.  Quiet, anxious, shy, and non-confrontational, Walter was on the verge of losing his job, which he had barely gained in the first place.  

One night, at a local comedy club, as Walter got up to use the restroom, the performing stand-up artist began to deliver a verbal smack-down to Walter for leaving his seat and disrupting the show.  With 44 ounces of soda swirling through his bladder, Walter attempted to defend himself, but was too tongue tied and distracted.  He simply fled the scene in a sobbing fit.  While in the restroom, he slipped on a puddle in the floor, bashing his head against a toilet.  When he awoke, Walter had been transformed.  He could never lose an argument.  He always knew exactly what to say.

Walter returned to his seat and proceeded to heckle the comedian on stage.  The somic did not appreciate and attempted to fire back at Walter, but Walter was always one step ahead of him.  He fired off a flurry of insults before side-tracking to psychoanalyze the comedian and question his motives, calling up deeply buried daddy issues and a self-esteem problem.  The comedian fled in tears and Walter vowed to find those who taunted the weak, and talk them into submission!

Unfortunately, throughout his many years as a moonlighting vigilante of verbal justice, Walter has cost himself his personal life.  He has been divorced seven times.  When asked why they ended it with Walter, all of his ex-wives resoundingly affirmed, “It’s because he always had to be right.  Every argument, no matter how small.”
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What do you think?  Would you pay to see these movies?  Think of your own silly superheroes and list them in the comments!  Make us all laugh!