Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Posers



To: Poser Wannabe Attention Whore GIRLS

From: A REAL Chef

cc:  The REAL Geeks

Re:  Wannabes and Posers I mean seriously wtf lol?

There was recently an explosion of people on Twitter and Facebook and the Internet at large up in arms because a few HEROES had the nerve to call attention-seekers on their game.  These wicked mama wolves in nerd-wool dress up like comic book characters and prance around, preying on unsuspecting geeks.  Some of these comic book outfits are possibly quite revealing, and some of these girls are possibly quite attractive, and if you're a hot girl dressing in a sexy outfit, I think it's pretty obvious that you don't know fuck-all about comic books and you should just stfu and gtfo.

There have been many geeks that have gotten understandably upset about this.  I mean, we all know pretty girls have no interest in doing anything except shopping, scoping out "cute boys"--which are, of course, always muscled up meat head jock douchebags--and talking about make-up and other girl stuff.  And if they detect the stench of a nerd nearby, they swarm in and devour the poor simpering little innocent before he's even aware he's in danger, like a pack of glitter make-up wearing sharks smelling blood in the water.

I want to pledge my steel to this cause as well.  I, too, have been a victim of the Pretty Girl Posers/Attention Whores.

As I'm sure you all know, because I mention it all the time on here, I love to cook.  It's honestly one of my favorite things to do.  However, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this problem I've been dealing with day in and day out for the past few years.  I appreciate a good quiche as much as the next Foodie Male.  Sometimes I even go in for some spicy enchiladas, but damn-the-rat-bastards-to-drown-in-a-nice-bearnaise-sauce I am so sick and tired of this whole FemCHEFs.  I know a few girls who like to cook and BIG SHOCKER, know the difference between Baking Powder and Baking Soda.  I want to make sure I don't offend them; you guys are cool.

With that said, I really want to take a stand and make a statement to these POSERS: Hey! Girl-Looking-At-The-Rachel-Ray-Cook-Book-That-Looks-Attractive-To-Me, you are NOT A REAL CHEF!  We all know you secretly laugh at us SERIOUS CHEFS.  We all know you're just here to wear your little aprons and bat your lashes at us from behind your Emeril cookbooks for attention. WE'RE NOT BUYING IT!  Besides, you're not even really pretty, I just want to have sex with you because food turns me on!

I want to make it clear that if you do not fit the body type that I find appropriate, you should not be wearing that apron! Also, if you ARE attractive to me and wearing that apron, YOU'RE JUST DOING IT FOR THE ATTENTION, FOOD-WHORE!  I mean, really.  You are what I have decided to call BAKING HOT.  Well not really, because you're not made of dough, but YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU???

I just find it sick that there are so many of you POSERS out there spending all that money buying aprons and cook books and chefs hats and then coming to chef conventions JUST TO GET ATTENTION.  You know you only get attention because you saunter up to these poor, defenseless aspiring chefs, promising them Moon and Star shaped cookies, whispering of fluffy souffles and braised chickens.  The thought they'll be all sweaty from kneading bread and thinking of you makes you SO HAPPY doesn't it?  Guess what?  They only talk to you because you're a girl that shares their interests.  If they knew the truth--that you're a girl that doesn't actually like cooking and just came to a cooking convention because of all the attention, fame, and respect that people get for going to these, they'd be crushed.  No, you don't actually like cooking, shut up, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK BETTER THAN YOU KEEP YOUR YAP SHUT AND LET THE MEN SPEAK!

JUST BECAUSE YOU FOUND A RECIPE FOR SOME CHEAP-ASS CHAMPAGNE SORBET ON GOOGLE AND TOOK A PICTURE OF YOURSELF IN THE SKIMPIEST APRON AND PUT IT UP ON INSTAGRAM DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT COOKING!

I'm sure a lot of my fellow chefs are tired of seeing this mockery of our love of food chemistry become bastardized by people who haven't PAID THEIR DUES. Now's the time to stand up to a group of people that have had it far too easy for far too long: women.  You're not the reason people care about cooking--men are!  Yer not Cook Books.  You just want attention but nobody cares because everyone else cares about the food and the chefs and the cookbooks so I'm not sure why I brought this up except I'm mad stop bringing me down.

Sincerely,

A REAL chef.