Friday, January 18, 2013

4 Fairy Tale Reboots We'll Likely See Next

Photo by:  Ryan Baxter Photography of Flickr
Rebooting fairy tales is super popular.  Snow White and the Huntsmen, The Brothers Grimm, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Seven, Mirror Mirror, Oz the Great and Powerful, etc, etc, etc, ad nauseum.  So, here are some potential reboots coming this spring to a theater near you!*

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

In this wacky, buddy, road-trip mis-adventures movie, Snow White is an Irish-Catholic girl living in a rural Arkansas town.  Grounded for attending a local punk show, Snow runs away only to find herself the prime suspect of a series of jewelry heists.  Things become even more complicated when she hitches a ride with the real culprit--a little fellow named Norris--and his 6 fellow accomplices.  Their journey will take them into a world neither expects--a world with one-eyed gate keepers (of the rich neighborhood), princesses (on a local access TV show), and a villainous black knight (at a run-down Renaissance Fair).  [PG-13 for adult themes, some potty humor, and renaissance fair violence - Chloe Moetz, Kristen Stewart, and Alan Rickman as The Black Knight]

The Wizard of Ozz-fest

In this hilarious, harsh look at society's obsession of celebrities, Ozzie Osborn has an amp fall on him at a stage show, which causes him to be transported to the land of Oz.  Because of the local's intense interest in this mysterious stranger, Ozzie sees an opportunity to become Oz's first celebrity. Keep an eye out for several irreverent nods to both the movies and the books, including Ozzie burning the Scarecrow, biting the head off a winged monkey, and mistaking the Tin Man for a suit of armor. [R - for sexual content, boobies, and Ozzie Osborn - Ozzie Osborn, Philip Seymore Hoffman, and Natalie Portman]

Sleeping Beauty

Belle Roscowitz and Harriet Garrison are actresses working to breaking into Hollywood in the 1930's. Things look up when they get an audition for an upcoming musical picture.  A romance blossoms between Harriet and the director.  Belle looks on from afar, until the day Harriet suffers from an attack of narcolepsy.  Belle is asked to replace Harriet, and notices the chemistry between herself and the director.  Dedication to your job and your own interests vs. the interests of others are explored in this Weekend-At-Bernies-esque dramedy. [PG-13 - some adult themes, language, and cliched sappy romantic dialog - Emma Stone, Lindsey Lohan, and Josh Brolin as The Director]

Jack and the Bean Stalker

 Jack is a normal 6-year-kid attending PS 146 in New York...except for one thing.  Jack is secretly a mad scientist.  One day, Jack is experiment with splicing human genes with green bean genes to create a more sustainable food source.  The result, however, is a six-foot-tall sentient bean stalk that goes by the name "Fabricio."  Fabricio escapes and begins wreaking havoc across New York and it's up to Jack to stop him, all while trying to keep his mad scientist ways a secret from his friends and family. [PG - for some scary imagery (because your kids are goddamn weenies), some rude humor, and the existential terror your parents will face being reminded that you are probably smarter than them - Introducing Harrison Nobles - also starring Sandra Bullock, and Jim Carrey as "Fabricio.]

* Not actual reboots


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks!

      It should be noted: Hollywood, if these are ideas you're interested in, I'm listening. And I'm cheap. Take note, Spielberg!


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