Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Lock 'N Load Fer Jesus

Photo via Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com of Flickr

Brothers and Sisters,

It's been a long, hard fought battle.  We have had to deal with detractors, people that use our words against us, people who mercilessly mock our cause, people who mock our beliefs and long standing traditions, and people who criticize us for feeling persecuted despite so many people thinking like we do.  However, I can finally tell you all that, through the strength of Jesus Christ and a lot of prayer, we've been able to fight back against this censoring, evil administration that would take what we hold so dear and tear it asunder with their twisted, devilish pitchforks.

Which is to say...

WE CAN HAVE GUNS IN CHURCH, Y'ALL!

I know what you're thinking.  I was worried, too.  There were some unfortunate tragedies caused by unstable people that do NOT reflect the bulk of our ilk.  It's just like one of those socialist nogoodniks to start attacking us just because some nutter butter went and did something foolish, claiming to be one of us.

Thankfully, the Arkansas state legislators have seen it wise to use THE POWER OF THE STATES to allow us a freedom that has been withheld from us for far too long.  And I, of course, am thankful that I am able to practice my religion to the full extent of my abilities now that the state is not unconstitutionally oppressing my rights.  Sure, we can have guns at home.  Sure, we can carry guns to many public places.  But do you know where the power and protection of my .38 Police Special has been seriously lacking?  Defending me at church!

As they say, God helps those who help themselves, and I plan to help myself with a hand cannon that'd make Dirty Harry soil himself--if you'll excuse the graphic imagery.

There may be some of you that are hesitant to this new law.  But think how much safer this'll make the congregation!  After all, what with all the people kneeling and bowing with their eyes closed, one of them murderous psychopaths could come in and do some serious damage--and us with no way to defend ourselves!  That just can't be.

Personally, I've been feeling a little less than safe at the church lately.  After all, did you see that story about that crazy man that took that little boy hostage?  And, I won't tell y'all who, but one woman--a supposedly "good Christian" from our very own congregation--told me "I could just kill my husband for leaving the toilet seat up."

I'll feel much safer knowing that there will be far and away more people carrying guns to protect our children on the way to Sunday school.  And if anyone tries anything, why, he'll be shaking hands with Jesus before he can so much as flinch.

Celebration of this historic event will take place at the Gary's Glorious Guns shooting range after church. (Kids 9 and under shoot for free!!!!!)

God bless y'all,

Brother Buford Maggins
Pastor/Youth Leader
First United Soldiers in the Army for Christ with AK-47's and Possibly Rocket Launchers