Monday, February 18, 2013

The Google Autofill Game: "When is it...?"

I am completely brain dead today, and you know what that means?


Photo from Pic by Eric W
Today's Google question is going to be "When is it..." and then each letter of the alphabet.  Ready?  Let's do this thing!

When is it a full moon?

That's not a moon.  That's a massive space station built by the government to blast and destroy disobedient nations.  It's sort of like a deadly star of some sort.  Not sure what kind of name you could give a space station like that?  Deadly Ball of Flaming Gas?  Moon Blaster?  Sky Pimple?  Hmm...I'll get back to you on the name.

When is it best to take a pregnancy test?

I've always found that the best time to take a pregnancy test is before you fully decide to have a baby.  If you have been kicking around the idea, I've heard the Barnes and Noble sells plenty of study guides to help you prepare for the big day.  Just make sure you bring two sharpened, number two pencils, extra erasers, and that you get plenty of sleep the night before.

When is it cheapest to fly?

Have you tried building your own wings out of wax?  I'm pretty sure that was an idea invented by Leonardo DaVinci or something like that, and I seem to remember that working out pretty well.

When is it dark in Alaska?

When the Moon Goddess is angered and reaps all encompassing blackness of the heretical masses.  That's when.

Also, every time Sara Palin is allowed on TV...that's a pretty dark time for the state.  High-oh!

When is it evening?

6-ish?  Maybe?  That's what my old DVR used to claim, but then again, that bastard used to lie to me all the goddamned time.  One time I thought I was recording a Boy Meets World marathon, and instead it was a Jersey Shore marathon.  I put a fire ax through my DVR to teach it a lesson.  It doesn't play tricks like that on me anymore.  You just have to show the machines who's boss.

When is it full moon?

When it can't hold anymore.  And don't call me, Moon, asshole.  M-O-O-N, that spells "asshole."

When is it going to snow in Arkansas?

It snowed yesterday morning.  Today I'm wearing a t-shirt and shorts.  Fuckin' Arkansas weather.  Eraserhead was more predictable than our fucking weather.

When is it hurricane season?

You can tell what the weather is like by keeping an eye on your Andersoon Cooper.  Your Andersoon Cooper will often disappear when bad weather is nearby.  He seems to be drawn--or rather directed--to stand in the midst of the most cataclysmic meteorological conditions all to give you the most up-to-date coverage live from the swirling, hellish asshole of Mother Nature herself.

When is it in Spanish?

When you're following ElBloombito on Twitter.

When is it justified to break the law?

Breaking the law is totally okay, as long as you have several billions of dollars at your disposal to invest in high tech gadgets, an off-the-books research and development department, and a customized bat suit.

When is it kitten season?

It's always kitten season.  Unless you're allergic to cats.  Then it's always sadness season.  Here, to make you feel better:

When is it love?

I hear it has something to do with being struck in your spherical ocular organs by the moon...or possibly a pizza.  Of course, I'm not a scientist.

When is it most likely to get pregnant?

That kind of depends on what "it" is.  I mean, ladies are often most likely to get pregnant when you put your peeper in their happy time zone.  If it's a rock, I don't believe you have anything to worry about.

When is it normal to start dilating in pregnancy?

When the baby has completed the blood sacrifice to the Elder gods that is necessary to open the portal form the Infantium Pandemorum dimension to this one.  I believe.  Of course, I'm not a doctor.  I'm just basing this on my own experiences with babies.

When is it okay to say I love you?

"I love you" is so boring.  I say you go bigger.  Like, rent a white-water raft, strap it to the roof of your truck, have your friends floor it and slam on the brakes, launching you in the raft at the approaching vehicle of your love.  Make sure you're naked and have flowers prepared, because they may be so attracted to you that happy-fun-times begin before you fully come to a stop.

When is it possible to get pregnant?

When you hear Jeremy Irons say anything.  I'm usually pregnant 50 times over by the end of The Lion King.  And I'm a dude.  God help me if I go see Beautiful Creatures.

When is it q...ERROR ERROR ERROR

Seriously?  No q's?  Lame.

When is it right to say I love you?

I find it's best to verbally berate your spouse first.  Don't go for the cliches and old stand-bys, your partner appreciates it when you work in insults that feature some of their own biggest insecurities.  It shows that you care and took that time to make things personalized, not just some form insulting that you could give to any old Joe or Jane.  Then, cap it off with "I love you."  If you can follow that up with admission of having eaten the last of the chocolate chip cookies, you're doing it right.

When is it supposed to snow?

Do you live in Arkansas?  You're better off praying for something feasible, like being able to turn things into gold with a touch.

When is it time to break up?

Better wait until the sight of each other in the morning makes you physically sick, until the very sound of your partners voice makes you want to run screaming through the neighborhood punching toddlers and kicking puppies.  Then give it a few more years just to make sure.

When is it unsafe to fly when pregnant?

Usually if you're falling.  Although, that may be true for everyone that hasn't built their own wings out of wax or come from Krypton.

When is it voting day?

When the sight of another political ad makes you begin trying to dig your way out of the room with a spoon, it's probably finally voting day.  Maybe.  Unless you live in Ohio.  Then it's never voting day.  This is your new reality.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

When is it worth it to refinance?


When is it xmas?

Uh, excuse me.  The correct, COMPLETE name of the holiday is XMASSINGTONENSHIRE.  I hate it when people try to take the SINGTONENSHIRE out of xmas.  It's so disrespectful.

When is it you and i or you and me?

If Lady Gaga is singing, it's you and I, if it's Kenny Chesney singing, it's you and me.  If nobody is singing?  It's just you because nobody likes you because you ask weird questions.  Weirdo.

When is it Zayn's birthday?


Previous Google Autofill Game entry.