Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Special Guest Post By THE DOG


To the one that is not Mom,

I wish to file a formal complaint with the way that you have been running the establishment heretofore known as "Home."

There are certain things that one comes to expect from the people he hires.  Premium customer service is one of those things.  As my employees, I expect to have my needs met in as prompt a fashion as possible.  In exchange for the various services that I require, I continue to pay you in the privilege of being in my presence.

There is a long standing tradition at Home in which I am attired in my finest neckware and detachable accessories and ride in the Mobile Couch to the Store. Although this is supposed to be the sole purpose of the Mobile Couch, I do allow you to indulge in your little day-trips as long as my trips to the Store are regular and result in tasty snacks.  However, it is a breech of trust in that very agreement that I must address today.

Recently, I was presented with my collar, as per usual, and positioned myself in the back window where I could gaze out upon my kingdom.  However, I was dismayed to find our trip cut short when we did not continue on to the Store, but instead arrived at a new destination not previously suggested for the itinerary.  I bore this interruption with as much grace as can be expected in the situation, but let's not mince words--I was rather out of sorts with yours and Mom's choices.

Things were compounded when this place was quickly exposed as the malicious establishment it is.  A foul woman spoke to me in the most grating gibberish I've heard uttered in my presence in some time--and I still haven't forgotten the Christmas Sweater incident of 2012 and neither have my lawyers.  Soon, this horrible woman was ushering me into a dingy room in the back of the building where atrocities were committed that I will not detail explicitly here lest impressionable pups be reading this, but let us say that things were done to my bottom and the odorous leavings in your shoe are a present offered in the same spirit.

Not-Mom, you and Mom have been loyal employees so far, and I want to keep you around, but your performance in this situation was most unprofessional.  If any of the above grievances are repeated, I'm afraid I may have to seek someone else to fill the position.

Please understand that these criticisms are to help you grow as an employee and take them in the spirit they are offered.

Sincerely,

Sanford Barkhaus Ruffington the IV

P.S. Please remind Mom that I require more apples as I am out.  You know how I enjoy my post-urination apple.  Honestly, Not-Mom, you're getting sloppy.