Friday, December 20, 2013

'Tis the Season

We Know the DJ
Friends...it's Christmas time. It's the time for people to put aside their differences and accept each other as we are. It's the time of giving to those less fortunate, smiling at strangers, and reminding yourself to have just a modicum of more patients before getting upset in traffic...that last one may be personal.
Now, I know that reality TV is sort of waning into nonexistence. Really only a small niche audience watch that style of TV anymore, but I wanted to mention this little arthouse-style show called Duck Dynasty. It's about a family of rednecks in Louisiana that invented a special duck call and got rich from it. It's essentially a real life version of The Beverly Hillbillies. Recently, the family patriarch, Phil Robertson, was in an issue of GQ talking about various beliefs he has.

What with all the liberals and atheists taking the Christ out of Christmas and warring on our favorite holiday, it was good to see someone making some sense out there in the trenches. During the interview, Robertson said, "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men." Exactly, having multiple sex partners in your life, having sex with animals. Same thing, basically. There were a few times in college, after having had a drink or two, where I'd look at all these beautiful women and then realize, DAMMIT, I just had sex with a horse. AGAIN!

Robertson went on to say, "Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Thankfully, Robertson isn't a judgmental person. “We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job."

See? He's a kind, caring soul. He'll love you in a totally platonic, no-homo kind of way that expresses a chaste Christian affection while still maintaining his heterosexual and masculine status. Just like Jesus.

Robertson gets it. You don't judge people for their lifestyle choices. Sure, liars, drunks, gays, prostitutes, and greedy people are going to hell, yeah, we all know that. But we don't JUDGE you for it! That would be wrong.

One thing I'm thankful for is that these Duck Dynasty guys have shown themselves to be true, upstanding Christians. They won't fall to such deceptions as homosexuality, sexual promiscuity, or greed.

Mommy Savers
All You
Home Depot

Ted's Cigars
Ebay Seller dabaneponeinc
Hot 104.7
It's good to see good, humble businessmen like the Robertsons cracking down on the real social evils of homosexuality. It's good that they're bringing us back to the True Biblical Message, especially when our most important holiday is fast approaching.

In addition to reminding us that God is watching us have sex, Robertson also spent some time explaining to us how black people feel. Now, Phil Robertson is what some in the racial communities would call "passing." That means he's black, but he just doesn't look it. I mean, I assume that he's black, since he explained how black people felt during the Civil Rights movements.

"I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: These doggone white people' -- not a word! Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."

See, we white people completely misunderstood when Dr. Martin Luther King said, "There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities."

What he meant was: "White people! Keep doin' what you're doing. No worries, brah."

It's so obvious now! I feel silly. What a miscommunication.

(From Wikipedia)         Pictured: perfectly happy people
Now that we have that all cleared up, we can go back to our regular businesses. No more worries about racism, okay, black people? And gays, if you don't like the way people are treating you, just don't be gay anymore. It's clearly that simple. Just like I chose to have exercised induced asthmatic attacks in middle school and high school. If I had just breathed normally instead of that heaving, gasping nonsense, not only would I have been less pudgy, but I probably could have made some cool friends.

Ah, the folly of youth. Glad we can get these world problems knocked out before the holidays. I am eagerly awaiting Phil Robertson to release a statement solving world hunger and world wars as well.

I imagine they'll read like so:

"Dear hungry people,

Just cook yourself something and quit whining, kay?"

"Dear warring people,

Chill out."

EDITED AT 4:39PM TO ADD:

From Amanda Terkel of the Huffington Post, linked to on Wil Wheaton's Tumblr:

“On Friday, GOP congressional candidate Ian Bayne went all in, comparing [Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson] to civil rights icon Rosa Parks.. 
“In December 1955, Rosa Parks took a stand against an unjust societal persecution of black people, and in December 2013, Robertson took a stand against persecution of Christians,” Bayne said in an email to supporters. 
“What Parks did was courageous,” he added. “What Mr. Robertson did was courageous too.”
We gotta be getting rick-rolled...right?