Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Portrait of a Douchebag


Here you can behold the potential nesting ground for the virile young American Man in all it's glory.

First, on the left, you have the Vagina Original Brand window sticker. Printed, according to said sticker, by the I Love Vagina Company. Here, the male attempts to attract a mate by proudly displaying his sexual orientation. The bright red of American Male's transportation is a further attempt to draw the female's attention with eye-catching coloration, similar to the female baboon's posterior.

Next, on the top, in the middle, is another proclamation of the young American Male's sexual orientation to further cement confirmation that, in fact, this young American Male is ready and willing to engage in procreation for the sake of the species' survival.

On the far right, we have a warning to potential mates and competitors alike that loose slips sink ships. For whom is this warning intended? We do not know. However, the illustration of the nubile young woman indicates that perhaps these sexual tet-a-tets should be somewhat hush-hush, although for what reason is anyone's guess. Science can only discover so much about the inner workings of a study subject's brain.

And last we have a final alert for both potential mates and competitors: a frantic warning pertaining to the largeness of the young American Male's genitalia.

Given the alarming combination of signs, one must assume that this particular young American Male is one of a subspecies known as the Homo Douchebaggians. While technically a Homo Sapien, the Homo Douchebaggian is known for its limited brain function and its loud and ruckus social interactions. The Homo Douchebaggians stick to a strict hierarchy modeled off of the mistaken belief that wolves behave in pack fashion with alpha, beta, gamma, etc. wolves. Although this has been proven as categorically untrue, the Homo Douchebaggians cleave to this archaic social order with religious vigor. Without it, one assumes they would have no way to contextualize their existence in the wider world.

The Homo Douchebaggians often combine a noisy, boastful demeanor with an overpowering, pungent musk to ward off predators. If spotted in the wild, they are best avoided entirely. If escape is not an option, mockery and laughter are acceptable alternatives, although beware increased boastful behavior and declarations that "gammas like you just don't get it" and "lol, beta male."