Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye, 2014

I try not to post personal blogs when things are bad. I'm worried they'll come across petulant or whiney, that I'll come across childish. I'm afraid if anyone reads it they'll roll their eyes and say, "Oh harden up you big fucking baby." But let me just say:

2014 has been hard.

In some big ways, it's been a great year. 

I quit a job that made me miserable for three years. We traded in our oldest, crappiest car for something new, reliable, and safe.

We bought a house - this last one was a think we'd been really building up to in 2013, and there were times where it almost felt like it wouldn't happen. But it did, and we love it.

I got a new job, and it felt like being released from a life sentence. The specter that had hung over me for three years was gone, and I no longer felt like burying myself in a hole in the ground every day. The weekend wasn't a depressing countdown until misery returned. My boss was awesome, my work, while not flashy, was fun, and the people were nice.

If you'd talked me me around August-October, I would have been on top of the world.

But my awesome boss left, and a new one arrived, and things took an immediate nosedive. In the meantime, my wife had a car accident. We were forced to make due with just one car, which was fine until she was laid off. Despite really trying, she's yet to find another job. The money we had saved up has dwindled to nothing, and now we talk about how much we can get away with eating and still stretch our meals for two or three days.

There have been bright spots, but while 2014 started with a ton of promise, it has contorted into a pretty abysmal finish.

That's not even counting all of the other awful bullshit that's come bubbling to the surface like an overflowing toilet: all the black people being killed by cops and vigilantes, Leelah Alcorn, and the struggle of the protestors in Ferguson and across the country--terrible events that I am not directly affected by, but that I witness and that weigh heavily in my heart.

Right on the tail end, things are starting to look up, maybe, a little, for my wife and I, at least. And I'm going to hope that they will keep looking up. I'm going to make resolutions, regardless of how futile and silly they seem, and I'm going to work to make 2015 a better year. Some things are out of my control. But I will do what I can with what I have.

This sounds like a sad-sack of a blog post, but what I'm coming away with as I finish it is grim determination. Things have been shitty lately. But by God, I will take control of the aspects of my life where such control is possible and I will polish this turd, squeeze blood from the stones, and spin any straw I can get my hands on into gold.

Life is what you make of it. Give me the goddamned lemons so I can get to making lemonade already.

Welcome 2015. Let's do this.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Waiting

I've been waiting.

Whenever life gets difficult (which almost always means whenever WORK gets difficult), I draw inward. I stop checking the internet almost entirely, except for things like Facebook--which is hardly checking the internet, as it's just my family on there.

I don't write much, if anything, when things get like this. I can't focus on it. Instead, I dive into other types of activity. I create things. Often, I cook or do some basic maintenance around the house--mechanical type tasks that don't really take the creativity that coming up with stories or blog posts does. It's easier.

For about a month or so, I've occasionally considered going to write something for the blog, or writing on a story. But I've stopped myself. I was waiting for something. I'm not sure what. I think I've been waiting for things to settle down...maybe? But I'm not sure they ever will. Life, I've found, goes through ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Things lately have just been a down.

In spite of a really terrible time with work lately, my life has been very good. I've discovered that I absolutely love cooking. Christmas, my favorite holiday, is right around the corner. Those things are good.

I hope things have been good with you, too.